On being fat.

A man who disrespects a woman to whom he is not attracted makes obvious that he believes a woman’s sole purpose is to be an object of attraction to him – that conventional attractiveness (thinness) is the ONLY marker of a worthy woman and that a woman who does not fulfill her primary obligation of turning him on is therefore not worthy and has no value.

-Whitney Thore

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One time, several years ago, I decided I was going to get skinny. And I did. It took over a year, but I lost almost a hundred pounds when all was said and done. (But I was still overweight by height/weight charts.  Eff you BMI-- I don't accept your standard of healthy. ) 

My skinny phase lasted long enough to run a 15K with my husband and then just a tad longer. Then I got pregnant again and it was over. I ate like it was my job. And I didn't have the “benefit” of morning sickness to keep my weight in check like I did when I was pregnant with Nia. (And as a side note: I am saying “benefit” very tongue in cheek. I know friends who have really suffered with severe morning sickness, and probably don't appreciate me joking about it.) Then the boys came into our lives and having 2 come into the family at once, both who required special attention, I just gave up the food battle. But make no mistake, it's always been a battle.

I have never had genetic testing done, but I guarantee you that if I did, there would be a genetic predisposition to addiction. (Is that a thing?) Addiction is on both sides of my family tree. One of my cousins once told my sister, “There are three things that are a common thread in the Goodale family. Jesus, alcoholic tendencies, and being overweight. And you have to pick two.”

Perhaps it was churchy background, or perhaps it was just “luck,” I never really had the desire to abuse alcohol or more illicit substances. But like my cousin said, you have to pick two. I had a first class seat on the Jesus wagon from the time I was a little girl so that was a foregone conclusion, and my stomach rolled over the top of my “curvy” jeans by the time puberty reared its head. So I had already picked my two. I didn't need the third.

Growing up at as the overweight friend always made me feel self-conscious. And it wasn't so much that I wanted to look skinny (although that would have made me feel more confident, I am sure), it was that I wanted to be able to do the things that the other kids did. Like have aptitude in athletics, be able to enjoy playing Capture the Flag for hours at a time without wanting to die, and complete “the mile” in gym class without being the last person done. But that was not my lot in life.

Being chubby (btw- I much prefer the terms chubby or big or curvy or even fat to the dreaded actual word to describe my condition- obese) in college was a different struggle, but by then, I was less self-conscious. Plus, I had a boyfriend (who became my husband) who was evolved enough to love me for who I am as a person, so it was easier to tolerate myself. But still. I hated being overweight. It just wasn't fun.

But there was always some sort of payoff, I guess, because I stayed that way. And I wouldn't stay that way if I wasn't getting a payoff from it, now would I? As much as I would like to say “I have a slow metabolism,” the truth is, I just really like food and it's always been a struggle for me to regulate how much food I need and should be eating. If some is good, a whole ton must be better, right? I have this inability to be satisfied with normal portions. If I am eating something delicious, I actually start to feel sad when I only have a few bites left. (That's a thing.) I remember once hearing this compliment someone gave the chef after eating a delicious meal. They said, “This tastes like more.” As in, this is so good, I am going to go have more. For me, and others like me, pretty much everything tastes like more.

So fast forward to last year. I decide it's time to get it together. Not because of how being fat looks, but because of health. I want to feel better. By changing my diet I was able to lose about 45 lbs pretty quickly. But then as I started making more exceptions to my food plan, the losing stopped. And I have just been hanging out here at 232 lbs (+/- 4lbs) for the past 4 months or so.

Do you like how casually I just slipped my weight in there? That actually wasn't casual. That was a really big deal for me. I have been writing this post for weeks, wondering if I would have the guts to mention that number. If you do a little math, you will realize that means that my highest weight (which was last year) was 277. That's a lot on a 5'4” frame. So why do I mention it? I mention it because I am tired of the shame. It is just what I weigh. Yes, I realize this means I weigh more than most everyone reading this-- women and men. It's just a thing. And I can deal with it. If you can't, just de-friend me (both on the social meeds and in real life.) I am tired of feeling less than because my weight is more than. I am tired of sucking it in and covering it up. I am tired of people making fat jokes. I am tired of anything other than my personality being the measure of who I am as a person.

Now, some of this is a self-imposed prison. I have a history of having terrible self talk. I have a history of believing the worst things about myself because I couldn't ever get this situation “under control.” BUT... I had PLENTY of help from our society. We live in a total thin-centric society, despite more than half of us being overweight.

I am just now (at age 40) starting to listen to voices of body acceptance. I am just now starting to intentionally look at photos of fat people and see their beauty. I am starting to see curvy as sexy. I am learning to love my body-- fat/cellulite and all. I am exploring different things that my body can do that I never thought it could because of my size. And, possibly most importantly, I am re-training my inner dialogue to notice beauty in everyone I meet, independent of their exterior.

So, then, if I have this newfound confidence and acceptance, why am I still trying to work on myself and my body? Why am I on a food plan? Why am I trying to make exercise more of a priority? It's super simple. I feel so much better, in every way, when I do. In AA literature, addiction is sometimes referred to as “an allergy of the body.” Basically, for people who are addicts, the response they get in their body is not typical to what most other people get when they consume the same thing. And so, just like someone who is allergic to peanuts or shellfish would avoid those foods because of harmful impacts on their health and well being, addicts avoid their trigger substances because of harmful impacts on their health and well being.

Where one person might be able to drink casually, another might not be able to drink at all without being unable to stop. Same with drugs. Same with porn. Same with gambling. Same with food. In food addiction circles, people are encouraged to identify their “alcoholic foods” (meaning, foods that trigger addictive/compulsive eating) and to abstain. I am not entirely sure about how I feel about abstinence as a sole strategy for food issues, but I find that when I am abstinent from certain foods, things seem to feel better in my life-- physically and emotionally. So that's why I keep working on it. But I don't have a frantic, compulsive view on weight loss/exercise at this point in my life. (Unlike years ago when I lost 100lbs and worked out 2-3 hours each day. I have come to realize that was a whole OTHER kind of addiction... but I digress.) I am striving to retrain my brain for balance.

Any change in my appearance because of food/exercise modification is just that-- a change. It doesn't make me prettier. It doesn't make me uglier. It doesn't make me more worthy. It doesn't make me more acceptable. Whether I am smaller or bigger, it's just that. Smaller or bigger. Not better or worse. I don't weigh myself regularly-- just if I go to my nutritionist or sometimes at the gym. I don't even have a scale (and I haven't for years).

After I posted a blog post a few weeks ago about stretch marks and fat acceptance, I got tons of feedback from women* (both publicly and privately) saying, essentially, “Yes, this is my story. I feel so much shame about my body.” Ladies! We need this to stop! No one has the right to make us feel shame about our bodies. Especially when we are talking about a descriptor. Being big is a descriptor. Like having green/ blue/ brown eyes, or blonde/ brown/ black/ red hair, or white/ brown/ black/ brown/ caramel skin are all descriptors. IT IS WHAT IT IS. Recently, I have been learning that most things in life are not binary. Everything is nuanced. Our health, our confidence, and our size are not exceptions. It's a journey, not a destination.

So #effyourbeautystandards, America. I am not being angry or oppositional. I am what I am. All 232 lbs of me. There's a whole lot of belly shoved into my new bathing suit.  That's gonna be a roll situation when I sit down. Also, my jiggly thighs will not be covered for the first time in YEARS.  And I can't wait to prance it all over town this summer.  This is just what I will be doing. This is me waving the white flag on the battle. This is me saying-- THIS IS ME! This is Gwenn. This is the body I inhabit. I finally feel the freedom to do so. I no longer feel the need to cover up. I don't feel the need to hide my bulk. I am officially taking that responsibility off of myself and putting the ball in your court. Take all of me or none. That's what I have to offer.

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Me.  232 lbs.

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*Side note: I got essentially ZERO feedback from men on the post I mentioned, incidentally. Which is only to say this-- this is a commonly held situation for women and when women acknowledge it... crickets from the men. Men, just know that your silence on these issues is also heard, and in the absence of you contributing to a discussion on the way women have been shamed for their bodies in our society, we can only extrapolate your intentions. Body positivity and acceptance is something men can (and should) affirm publicly. (PS- I am mostly talking about white men-- non-white men don't seem as prone to the same holdups.) For years, men have been telling women “size doesn't matter” when it comes to their parts. It's time for you to affirm the same for females as well. And be clear on this, it's not that we NEED your affirmation to be okay with our bodies. But be aware that your lack of it sends a message.