the reality of where we are

Last night I started to feel really sad. Not angry, not scared. Just sad. Sad that this is where we are at in all of this. Sad that I am not with the rest of my family. Sad that my kids have had to be uprooted AGAIN. Just, sad. And it wasn't a feeling sorry for myself kind of sad. It was just grieving the reality of what sin does. The fall is still falling.

Tomorrow Nia goes for a first assessment with a child psychologist who is certified to work in trauma-related situations. Nia has seen a lot. Her innocence has been ripped from her time and time again since our move to Haiti and yet she is so stinkin' resilient. She still, somehow, (by the grace of our Lord I suppose,) seems innocent. But trauma will leave a mark and I see it left on her. She's a bit more jumpy than normal. She's more scared of the dark. She's very concerned with whether or not things are locked. She says things matter of factly, but I can see the thoughts cycling in her head. Tonight we were taking my mom's dog out for an evening walk just down the block and it was after dark. It was just me and Nia and she refused to walk anywhere where the house was not still in our line of sight. This kind of hyper-vigilance can be "a normal reaction to abnormal stressors" I suppose, but it. just. makes. me. feel. sad. And at the same time as I am sad, I am so thankful that it wasn't worse and I am so thankful that only one child had to experience the terror first hand.

However, Nico has an appointment for the same kind of assessment on Monday. Out of all the kids, he seems to have the most uncertainty about what has happened. For example, when we were in the hotel in Miami after flying into the states, Nico asked me about 6 times (literally) if the "volo" (robbers) had followed us here. He wanted to know if they might have the key to our room. He needed to see behind the curtains to make sure no one was hiding there. He's uncertain. And I want to give him certainty. But I can't because (like I said before) the fall is still falling.

In an effort to provide them peace, I have reassured the kids over and over that we're safe here in the states. That Grandad is a gun instructor and has our "home security plan" locked in. That Uncle Jon is a cop and he will protect us. Because I do want them to rest. I do want them to have peace and feel safe again.

But then what happens when we go home? Because Grandad and his guns won't be with us and Officer Uncle Jon won't be with us. So I don't want to try to talk them too far into their security here because it's something I can't replicate when we go home.

It's hard to know how to be the parent, isn't it? This is why I need the professionals.

Would you be praying for these appointments for Nia and Nico? I love my kids more than you can imagine and I am sad to think about them having to go through PTSD and all that business. I've been there. I don't want it for my kids. But whatever the case is, please pray for the appointments to be useful and help us understand how to best love and support our kids through this.

Thanks friends...