thoughts on Jesus

So. Yeah. Just in case anyone was ever curious. RAD is real and it sucks. It sucks for everyone who has to deal with it and it REALLY sucks in a country like Haiti where there are so few resources. (Which is not to say that it's easy to deal with in the states.)

We've been (intentionally) vague about the nature of some of the behavior problems we've been having in our home lately, but... well, it's bad. I can't get into all the specifics but it's related to abuse our kids have suffered in the past. Just know that we need your prayers. More than anything lately I have just been praying for the strength to continue to love all my children well in spite of being really angry about behavior.

Honestly it's hard to want to love a kid you don't currently like very much.
I actually wrote a big long post about this very topic a few weeks ago, but just couldn't bring myself to post it because I was so afraid that it wouldn't be understood in the right context and, therefore, would probably cause more harm than good. There is catharsis in just writing it out, I suppose.

Every day/week we learn more of the picture. We see just such a small speck of what has happened in our kids' lives. They have all of these hurts and fractures deep, deep down. The physical scars they bear on their bodies are just the tip of the iceberg... so much more is under the surface.

And this morning as we were celebrating Fritzie on the the third birthday she's spent with us, I was reflecting on how much I love her. I was reflecting on how much I LIKE her and ENJOY being with her. I was reflecting on how she is sweet (there really is no other word for it), and selfless, and hard-working. She's a GREAT kid... er... young woman. And I love being around her. And then, of course, my brain started down the path, "Why can't ALL the kids be this easy to love?" And then I started in a bit on the self-pity-- "My life is so hard... blah, blah, blah."

And out of the blue, this thought slapped me upside the head... The fact that ALL of my children aren't super difficult and hard to love is GRACE. Really, really bad things have happened in all of my Haitian kids' lives. Really bad things. Some have had parents die, some were forced to work, some (most) were abused, all were in some way abandoned. These are really big, traumatic things. And the fact that they ALL don't act out in wild and crazy ways is just pure GRACE.

We are at the place where we are having to adjust our own expectations of the future and realize that every kid is not going to follow the same path. We are at the point (finally, I think) where we realize that we cannot "heal" these kids or redeem anything. We can try to create a safe, loving environment where God can work in the lives of our children, but we cannot "fix" them. That is not our job. It never was. I could be quoted (often) talking about how we believe in the "redemptive nature of family." I talk about how "when God wanted to save the world he used his family." Guys, I am sorry, but I have been off the mark.

Yes, I do believe that God values family. But when God wanted save the world he sent JESUS. Yes, Jesus was his son. Yes, He used his own family. But the family part wasn't the essential part-- Jesus was. Jesus is.

So I think I have my work cut out for me. I spend a lot of time trying to make good FAMILY experiences, however, often neglecting the spiritual formation of my children. I want them to know the love of a mom and dad and I want them to trust in our love for them but that is a fundamentally flawed system because WE WILL FAIL. We HAVE failed them.

And so it motivates me more and more to press on towards heavenly things-- things that will last beyond this life. Because, yeah, this life sucks sometimes. There are no two ways about it. It is HARD to spin death and abandonment and illness and abuse. But the good news is that we don't have to because we were not created for this life. We were created for eternity. And so as we live lives striving for eternal things, the only firm ground we have in the here and now is Jesus.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.