crisis of faith - questions.

I find myself lately with a bit of a crisis of faith. Here's what I mean-- the longer I am here in Haiti, the more questions I have. Things I thought I totally had down, things I thought I understood-- well, I am realizing I don't have them down and I don't understand. Pretty much everything I value (or thought I valued) seems to be coming into question. I am not sure which of my values and beliefs are just my personality, which ones are just because I am American, which ones came from the nurture of my family of origin, which ones come from my experiences as a wife and a mother, and which ones are because I am a Christian.

It's kind of making my head spin.

And then when I look at things objectively (or at least as objectively as I can) I still can't figure out where to put things. I try to put my thumb on very basic questions about who God is and what his nature is like, and I just can't come up with answers. The "evidence" seems so cloudy these days.

I mean sure, I have a big heart for social justice. I love children. The plight of orphans, the abandoned, the abused, and other "victims" move my heart to want to act. But where does that comes from? Is that Christ?

So then I am lead naturally to the question of what I believe. Am I really a Christian? Do I really believe all these things that I've said for my whole life? Or are those beliefs just a by-product of my upbringing and surroundings? So much about my life has changed by living in a new culture. And now I have to figure out what's real and what's not.

It's as if I am at the point (finally, at age 34) where I have to determine what the faith I've had since I've been a child is founded in.

And I don't know where to begin.

And I am a bit scared. No, I am actually really freakin' scared. Because what if I can't find a place for everything? Or what if the questions I have lead me somewhere other than Jesus?

I feel like I sort of want to start over as a Christian. Like I need to see Christianity and Jesus as if I didn't ever know him. But it's been so long that I've been on this journey that if I was to "start over" I am not even sure where to begin.

So, there are some Christ-following people that read this blog... some Christian newbies and some life-long devotees. I need your help.

Tell me a little bit about the beginning of your walk with God. Pretend I am someone who is seeking and really wanting the answers to some big questions. (Actually, you don't have to pretend.) What would you say to me to convince me that the way of Jesus is the way of life? Do you have thoughts on things I should read? Books/articles/Bible chapters, etc? Please, PLEASE only recommend things to me that personally made a difference in your life. I know how to do the bridge diagram. That's not what I am after. I don't want to know what Campus Crusade, or Joyce Meyers, or Billy Graham, Max Lucado, or Rob Bell recommends for new believers. It's not that I don't believe these people know something about this topic. It's that I realize that they are professional Christians and so they have to have some answers. Instead, I want to know what YOU, (YOU who call Christ your Lord) recommend.

I am taking a big risk by putting this out there... I wasn't going to, because I am a missionary who is able to feed the family because I too am a professional Christian. But as I talked to Nick about this, he encouraged me to be transparent. So I am kind of trusting that these doubts and questions will be met with grace and not judgment.

We'll see what happens, won't we?