as messed up as I am

I couldn't sleep tonight so I thought I'd write some more.

Seriously folks, I cannot believe the emails/comments I am getting about this topic of Christianity and questioning…. let me share a few excerpts of the non-public messages sent to me (you can read the rest in the comments, on facebook, etc):

--Your questions on how we find that relationship with God could have been written by me…. Two things please. Know there is at the least one person me and I'm sure more, asking the same questions. The other is to please let me know if you find some direction, answer, wisdom, anything that will let me know why and how.

--I think you are speaking on behalf of the majority of us, whether we believe or not.

--Over the last two years, I have found that I've wrestled with questions of my own… so I can somewhat relate to your struggles.

--Thank you for posing these questions! They reflect my own whirling thoughts and I would love to continue this query...

--I remember grabbing onto God as if he were a tiny thread hanging from above—not because I trusted but because there simply was no where else to go.

--It's funny you write about this whole relationship with God thing. I JUST went through something similar to this…

--I did not begin to take Jesus seriously, at least in an adult way, until I was in my early 30's. So I may have some semi-recent relevant experience to talk to you about.

It's weird. In addition to the dozens of people who "get it", I've heard from people who have just opened their hearts and talked very openly about the ugly stuff that's caused their life to turn toward/away from the Lord-- loss of a loved one, abuse, betrayal… I am overwhelmed by your transparency and honesty.

I am still trying to put all my thoughts on this together and as I figure out who I want to be and what I should believe. And Nick (God bless him) is amazingly patient and logical… just letting me tiptoe (or jump in wholeheartedly) to different ideas and plans and experiences WITH him by my side. Super with me and nonjudgmental as I try on different ideas for size.

I got married young. He got married younger. Over the past few weeks I've wondered if that's one of the things that's cramping my style lately-- I didn't do much or know much before being married. And so we both still had a bunch of growing up and changing to do. I now see that there is no greater joy that having someone by your side as you change and grow. Someone who is "all in" even when you feel like a screw up. (Cause let's just face it, we all are sometimes, aren't we?)

I guess all I am trying to say is thank you. Thanks to the people (many of whom I don't know) have contacted me from a place of grace and not judgment as I'd feared. The way Christians judge one another is one of the things that's been causing me to take a harder look at this idea of faith. I was scared out of my mind to admit that I was having these fears because it just seemed like everyone else had it all together AND it seemed like everyone else thought I had it all together.

Thank you that we can be totally screwed up, messy people together. Thank you for reminding me that life isn't a solo journey. Thanks for being a virtual community with whom I can share and commiserate--(living in a foreign country there's not a whole big ton of community going on in my life.) And not for nothing, but I am not so easy to journey with in person these days-- I tend to be a bit moody, so from afar is probably better. :) Thanks for telling me about your doubts and struggles too. I no longer feel so alone in these questions. Judging from some very sane people who've responded, I am no longer worried that I am going crazy. You all are just as messed up as I am. I am beginning to feel that maybe this place where I am at is a normal part of a journey.

Today in church I thought about Easter. When I looked at the story of the resurrection detached from faith, it just seemed silly and, frankly, unbelievable. And I started to worry about these thoughts a bit, so much so that I didn't take communion with the church. I just wasn't sure I would be taking it in a "worthy manner" with these questions and doubts. But then later as we were singing, I noticed my eyes closed and my hand raised in worship. I didn't think about closing my eyes or raising raising my hand. I don't remember exactly when I raised it, it was just raised. And when I realized it was raised, I stopped and asked myself why my hand was raised in worship. Was it just something I always did and so was, therefore, habit? I realized that wasn't the case. It was raised in worship as we were singing because I was worshiping. I didn't have to think about it or decide to do it, my body just took over for me. I don't know what that means, but I think it's a good sign.

I *might* be finally feeling tired so I am going to sign off for now. More later as I work through this more…

-G