"How are you holding up?"

I have been getting a lot of emails with that question. We (our team) all has. While I can't answer for all of them, I thought I'd try to answer for me. I say try because I don't really know. It changes from day to day-- heck, sometimes from moment to moment.

I think the hardest thing is not knowing what you're going to see/hear/smell/feel that causes the pendulum to swing from doing great to struggling with fear or anxiety or helplessness all over again. This morning was the perfect example. I was doing a "normal" thing-- headed out for a trash run. We hadn't been to the dump since the quake (two weeks ago today) and it was getting to the point where I feared my staff was going to stage a walkout. We loaded up the trash into the truck and I was kind of hurrying because we had a busy day of distribution ahead of us. We pulled up to the dump, and across the way there is a big field. I guess I didn't really realize it was being used as a refugee camp, but that's exactly what it was. And it was not one of these red/grey tent cities we are seeing on the news-- there was a few tents like that, but it was mostly these things that people pulled together with whatever they could find-- blankets, tarps, sheets, palm fronds... a huge field of them. And again I remembered again that one minute can change everything.

When we were at some training we had before heading out onto the mission field, we were presented with this thought-- is it possible that sometimes God allows physical responses in our bodies as a result of stress (ie- ulcers, canker sores, etc) in order to give us a very tangible reminder how much we need HIS help to slow down? I have always been kind of an anxious person, but this situation has brought out PHYSICAL symptoms of stress that I cannot deny. For me, lately it's been puking. I have been thinking I've had a little stomach bug, but I recently realized that's not what this is. That realization happened the other night when we were at the Pye house having a team meeting and we all heard this loud BAM! I seriously thought the house was collapsing. We all did. ALL OF US-- 7 in all SHOT UP from the table and ran, pushing each other as we ran. When we got outside we realized it was just some tarps disconnecting and breaking strings, whipping into things, etc. Yes, we are all jumpy and under other circumstances it might not have caused such a reaction. But living through what we have in the past two weeks, it was so scary. I was so scared that I went outside and threw up. So yeah, it's been bad at times. We're desperately seeking out moments of rest and hopeful as the initial dust settles we will be able to search out more of them. (Hopefully some that include massages, because DANG, WATER IS HEAVY PEOPLE!)

That being said, there have been really good, happy times too. Times when things are filled with hope-- like being able to move 15 TONS of food/supplies yesterday... like providing meals for hungry people at the "hospital"... like seeing the tenacity of Haitians living on.