I remember years ago being in an auditorium at NC State and hearing my pastor say those words. I wrote them down in the back of my Bible because I thought they were profound. I think it's a fairly well-used expression, but lately I have been thinking about it and realizing the simple truth behind it.
In just over a week, my little baby Josiah will turn one. June 1, 2007 marked the beginning of "survival mode" for the Mangine family. The incredible stress and heartache that would follow-- Josiah's heart surgery, Nico's homecoming and attachment, going from one to three kids, the zillions of doctors appointments as we bring two new immune systems and preschool into the family, slowly becoming more and more out of shape, Wake County evaluations, post partum depression, speech therapy, insomnia, the move, the packing, the unpacking... it makes me tired to think about it all. We've had no port of call-- no definite plan except to get through the day. We had this enigma floating around in our brains about Haiti. We knew God was calling us, but everything has been so vauge in terms of a plan and in terms of timing... My friend and pastor, Steve Daugherty, put the words to it that I was feeling but couldn't articulate-- my soul is tired. Both Nick and I had reached the end of ourselves and our bodies began to shut down amidst the stress and pressure.
But it's starting to clear. I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally feeling hope, for the first time in a LONG LONG time, that things might begin to settle into "normalcy." (Whatever that is.)
I am ready for a plan. I am ready to move forward. This new home situation-- all of it, I feel like we're turning over a new leaf. This afternoon Nick and I have a scheduled time to work on some of the details of getting back into life. Establishing plans and patterns of discipline (spiritually, emotionally and physically) to help our souls "recover." We started seeing a great Christian counselor and have started just feeling a collective sigh of relief in our souls.
One of the greatest things that's come out of all of this chaos is that losing control of basically everything has shown me the awesome dependability of our God so much clearer. For months I was feeling so guilty as I couldn't get in my regular quiet times with God, I let the gym and my eating plan slide, I was so unhappy at my lack of "discipline." But I have come to see the truth in Ecclesiastes 3 so much more clearly--
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I am thankful for the times God has brought me through. It's taught me so much. This might sound really silly but I am thankful for the time to be fat again. I really am-- because it's reminded me that it's not just all about me and what I can do in my own strength. It's about what God can do in me. God's love and care and constant hand on my has nothing to do with how many calories I am consuming or burning. God's love and care and constant hand has nothing to do with how many days/minutes a week I am quietly, earnestly seeing him...
There's a time for life to be out of control so that we can see how IN control God is. And while this last year has stretched me (and my skin:) farther than I thought I could ever go, it's all good. Even if I don't "recover" all the way-- it's still all good. He's made my inside so much more beautiful during this time-- and really, isn't that what we tell our children is what matters-- inner beauty is what counts? All along, God was using this time to teach me, His child, the same lesson.
