Most of you know that our lives have pretty much been a whirlwind since Josiah was born.
I have lately been feeling all the stress of Josiah's surgery/hospitalization kind of catching up to me. I find myself thinking a lot about that time, or looking at the pictures and when I realize I am doing it, I make myself think of something else or not look at the pictures because it's so hard to think about. The memories are very raw because it was such a scary, uncertain time.
So this morning I turned on the radio on the way to the gym and the annual 101.5 Wral FM Radioathon for Duke Children's Hospital was on. If you've never listened to this-- it's pretty much the saddest thing ever. (You can listen online if you are not local.) There are dozens of stories of children who have been at Duke the past year. Some really happy endings, some really sad endings, some whose ending is still not certain. Listening to these stories from Duke (where Josiah was treated, of course) brought back so many memories.
So I came home from the gym crying, of course. I turned on the radio when I got home. And I cried some more. And Nick said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't listen to this. I can tell it's really upsetting you."
And I realized, finally, that I have never really let myself just cry about and grieve over that time. We had to tough it out and rely on adrenaline for so long. So it's entirely possible that if you call me anytime before Thursday evening, I will probably be crying. I just want to feel all these emotions, because I don't think I am accomplishing anything by trying to make myself not feel them.
I have no idea if this will be beneficial, but it feels right. If it doesn't work, I am sure I will end up in therapy. But at this point, a donation to the Radioathon will probably be cheaper. (And I am all for that, because as you know from my post yesterday, I am very cheap.)
